Gripes- major ones

Last night I had some crappy dreams.  In one, I had a baby whose diapers kept ripping, and I found out someone was cutting the sides so they would rip.  I, and the people who were with me, needed to go somewhere 11 hours away, and somehow they all took off without me, and with my phone.  I was stuck trying to drive a very heavy and too tall motorcycle without money or a phone for 11 hours! I couldn't figure out how to shift and I fell.
Crappy dreams usually mean something is going on in my life that I am upset about but can't deal with.  I know what I am upset about.  My kids are moving 3 states away with their dad.  You've never heard me talk crap about their dad.  Today I just might.

Last month he called me to tell me he missed me.  This didn't surprise me because we have maintained a decent friendship after the divorce.  Then he told me that he still wanted to grow old with me.  How sweeet, right? This was heartbreaking to me.  I left for a reason and I really don't think I could go back.  I do miss family- especially with my kids.  I miss my own home.  I miss being a wife and full time mom.  But that's not enough for me to go running back to him.  I told him that.  I told him that I was sorry, I don't want to hurt him again, and his flirting really makes my heart ache.  He told me he was just flirting, it was a joke, and he and the kids would not want me to live under their roof again.  Ouch!  Here I was worrying about his feelings.

Who is gonna worry about mine?

Did he worry about my feelings when my car broke down on the freeway and I had my 2 year old daughter with me?  We had been working at cleaning a house and we looked cruddy and practically homeless.  I called him, I was ten miles away from home, and the car wasn't going anywhere.  He had no car- but he had a phone and people he knew with cars- could he help me?  No, he couldn't.  He had to go get our son from school.  I'd find a way home.  I took a ride from a stranger.  he had a carseat and cracker crumbs all over his car.  He seemed safe.  I made it home safely- without the ex's help.

Did he worry about my feelings when he was angry and upset at the world?  Did he stifle his thoughts because he knew they were untrue?  How many times did I hear how I was nothing because I was just an at home mom?  I made no money so I was worthless?  How many times was I taken for granted? 

And now- The kids needed to be checked out of school.  School says only the parent that checked them in can check them out.  He needs to fly in early from where he is living to check the kids out.  I only get one day a week with my kids, and they are leaving.  I get to rush through dinner so he won't be mad that he has to wait for them at the airport a couple of minutes.  Plus, the kids think he has full custody of them.  I have nothing.

For the record, I must go look at the divorce papers- I recall 50/50 custody with the kids deciding to live with dad - he had the house, the toys, I had a boyfriend and was the fault of the break-up.

The major gripe?  He posts on facebook: I have to go pick up the kids who I have custody of... What the heck?  Why do you need to point that out?  trying to impress someone?  trying to look like the good parent or cool dad?  Trying to hurt me.again? 

Then he gripes they weren't on time to pick him up at the airport.  He knew they were with me.  He knew this is the last time I get to see them until most likely summer.  Deal with it, jerk.

When do I get treated like a human?  when do I get a pat on the back for being there every moment and taking care of all their needs until I left?  I was an at home mom for 11 years.  I was sole feeder, diaper changer, booboo kisser.  I was the even temper, rule setter, fun mommy.  I was a good wife.  Running errands, cooking dinner, cleaning house, making a house a home.  Ex even admitted (he was probably drunk) that he didn't realize how much I did. 

And yet- he is still making me out to be the bad guy.  I started dating quickly after the divorce- Boyfriend is a friend I knew from high school and someone I went out with for drinks.  Ex assumes I cheated and left for Boyfriend.  Lets play devils advocate- OK?  What if I did?  Was the marriage whole and good if I looked elsewhere?  Many can tell you I didn't leave for boyfriend- I was out the door already.

So, I am the bad guy.  I have no redeeming values, and my kids have major issues with me.  Ex says he doesn't bad-mouth me in front of the kids, be he also doesn't root for me, does he?  he doesn't point out to the kids what I put into the family and how I was taken for granted.  He doesn't remember his negative points and tears he put into the marriage.  He is happy to think it is all my fault.

I was almost Ok with that- I think my kids will come around as the grow older.  We were going out and getting along.  They were seeing that their dad is demanding and impatient.  But now ex isn't just thinking.  Ex is voicing.  Ex is taking my kids three states away where I will have little affect on them and he will burrow into their brains.

I worry.

*for the record- my kids do not read this blog unless I bring it up for them and ask them to read it.  Right now, they are packing a van to move and are not on facebook or the internet.  I am am 99% certain that they will not read this, so I am not badmouthing their dad to them.  I wouldn't do that.  I don't want them to think negatively about their dad because of me.  Even as kids, if they griped about him, I tried to tell them his side.  If later, they decide they don't like some of his traits- that's their decision.  But I don't want my opinion swaying theirs.

My limit- and some TMI

I've been sick this weekend- with an inner ear infection- the world is spinning and I might fall off.  Apparently, these things happen about 2 weeks after you get a cold- and I was blessed enough to be given a cold from an annoying hacking woman on the plane behind me as I flew to my mom's.
But as I lay in bed, I realized I felt like crap for other reasons.  I hit my weight limit.  I am not longer OK where I am.  I've decided I need to take it off. 
I've been trying something this year- I've been trying not to diet- I have been watching my weight most of my life.  Dieting and gaining every 6 months to a year or so.  I have a fairly decent taste in foods- I like veggies and salads and low fat stuff, but I'm not always the chef, am I?  I've been trying to accept my weight and who I am- and really like myself for both, without a thought to changing myself.  I've been trying to be happy just being.  And it's worked OK- I don't mind looking in the mirror, I don't pick on my parts anymore- and the curves are nice.  But...
I stepped on the scale this morning- and I did a quick BMI check- if I gain any more weight I'd be in the obese section, not just overweight. In the last two years, I've gained 30 pounds!  That's bad.  It can't help my hurt ankle, sore body, or energy level either.  It might be why I am feeling yucky, am getting sick, and am exhausted.  And (here's the TMI- I've had my period twice in the last 28 days- on the 24th of december and then the 10th of January- now it's lasted over a week).   Weight might affect my immune system, hormones, and attitude.  
So, portion control and I do not really get along.  My dear friend Tricia and I were discussing that today- we both are members of the clean plate club, especially if the plate is full of deliciousness, and even if the plate refills itself.  Phentermine (the speed and non-heart killing part of phen-fen) and I kinda got along.  I zipped through three months on it and lost 90 pounds.  Problem is that I lost weight so fast I then got gallstones and needed my gallbladder out (no gall bladder=issues with fat=weight gain).  I've tried phen again and it made me feel woofy- my mom knows what I mean (woofy- a little off, lightheaded, weird). I've already tried to switch us to lower fat meat and have added veggies to my meals.  I made french dips the other day and when I cooled the broth, the meat yielded a very tiny bit of fat (less than a tsp) and I threw it out.  I make lunch at about a cup of leftovers and add a cup of veggies to the top. 
and I've gotta stop having beer at night.  One maybe, or one glass of wine- but one usually leads to three.
Tomorrow I am gonna try slimfast.  Just to get me started.  Shrink my stomach so I can eat less.  And I am walking to the store to buy the crap.  After that, I'll just have to rethink my meals and suck, because I can't live on shakes forever.
By summer, I should feel a bit younger- which is good because I'll be working with a dozen hyper kids for two weeks and I wanna play with them!

I guess now that I have written it, I have to stick to it!

New year

I hate making resolutions- they sound so resolute.  They make me feel like I have to pick something bad about myself and then focus solely on fixing it.  I like what Dark Mother Goddess did....She picked a word for the year.  So, I've been tossing a few words around in my head.
Positivity- I could be more positive and optimistic.  I've already been working on it.  I'm trying not to dwell on things, I fixate and depress myself.  But, if I focus on positivity for the year, I'm afraid I'll remind myself to look at every situation with rose colored glasses- and there are times I need to be more realistic.
Health- that sounds good- because I could focus on health of mind and body.  I could use a little more exercise (ankle willing).  I could integrate positive thought. 
Growth- in all things.  I love learning new stuff.  According to Erickson, I'm pretty much stuck somewhere around stage 6.  I could use a little growth.  But not in the abdominal area :)
or Moderation- I get fixated, I go on tangents, I focus on one tiny thing that is bothering me.  I need to moderate my food, drink, and thoughts- to become more healthy, more sane.  I need to moderate what I take in, what I listen to, whose issues I absorb.  (I wish I could stop absorbing everyone else's stress- I think I might need to magically do some protection- and I never considered that before).

I should pick a word, for my mantra- but my mind isn't ready for that right now.  Dark Mother's word is flourish- she's good.

also That Witch it True is having a great challenge for a month of positive thought and body image.

What'd you do for your new year's resolutions?

Correct teacher attire

Someone I know on facebook keeps posting about how her children's teacher are dressed inappropriately.  Then her friends post about how horrible teachers dress and how they should wear dressier clothes.  I suggested they wear scrubs as that would fit the job more and the parents might be happy with a uniform, however that was struck down with rudeness and anger and chiding.  One of the comments that keeps getting made is that the students have to stick to a uniform code and the teachers should have the same code.  I was going to rebutt this on her post, however one of the parents just keeps saying "you knew what you signed up for when you signed up for the job"- um, no- I didn't know I signed up to deal with bitchy judgmental parents who care more about my fashion sense than my hard work and creativity.

The children are required as a uniform to wear sleeved shirts, longer shorts or skirts, and closed shoes.  This is for their safety. If they are running around or playing PE, all three of these things keep them covered and safe.  Bending over for PE in short shorts and spaghetti strapped shirts are a bad choice.  Running in sandals is just asking for a stubbed toe.  The teacher's uniform is less settled.  I don't think they have set rules because they are grown ups and hopefully can appropriate attire.  Some days work is dirty and laborous and appropriate attire might be sweats or jeans.  Some days cooking or painting might be involved and those clothes can get stained.  Some days the classroom is boiling and the teacher is standing all day (I rarely sit down, even at lunch) and sandals are the best choice.  It is rare in the lower grades that a teacher should wear a pencil skirted suit and heels.  These clothes, though shown in old Doris Day movies, are harder to be a diligent and communicative teacher in.  I kneel, squat, and sit crisscross applesauce in all the grades.

I suggested scrubs to shut the bitchy woman up.  Even scrubs didn't make her happy.  Apparently looks are more important to her than an involved teacher.  She just kept saying her stupid "You knew what you signed up for" quote- what the eff? Yes, I so want to cuss about that idiotic comment.  I am so glad she is a friend of someone I know- not my friend.  I am so glad I do not have to deal with her as a parent of one of my kids.  The parents I come into contact with are also very involved and will get messy with the kids.  They understand that my jeans, sweater, and ballet flats are very appropriate.  They understand if I have a big stain on my shirt it is because I was involved with a lesson and was actually working.  They see my dirty kness and know I knelt down to talk to a child who needed to see me at eye level.

I'll make one more comment to bitchy mom on facebook.  Then I'll shut up.  No matter what i say she is never going to see it from any point of view of her own.  I conceded to some of her comments ( i think flipflops and spaghetti strapped shirts should not be worn by a teacher- nor tube tops, short skirts, or very tall heels- but I don't judge those teachers, they could be awesome)~ but I know that shallow people can never concede to a messy sloopy fashionless teacher like me.

Random friday

I have your comments sent to my email so I can get a giggle a few times a day.  I cracked up at Lynda B's "Asian escort spam is the reason for the season"- especially after reading all that escort spam crap! Thanks for that laugh!

LisaF, I think you were the lone Christian commenter- there are a few Christians who read this, most commented on the feed on Facebook.  The key to the "axial tilt is the reason for the season"  was theuse of the word SEASON- like winter, spring, summer, fall- axial tilt creates indirect sunrays hitting the earth-when the sun is the most indirect, it is the coldest, thus winter.  This is why it is summer in Australia while it is winter in America.
As for the other meaning- I just wanted to makenote that sooo many holidays share this time of year.  I hope that when I wish friends a happy time, that I take note of who they are,and wish my jewish friends Happy Hannukah rather that Feliz Navidad.  As for strangers- I think politically correct is better,but that is my opinion.  This is why I say Happy Holidays rather than Merry Yule or Festive Winter Solstice,which is what I celebrate. 
I really dig that LisaF gave us a nice history lesson- if you didn't read it, read the comment section of "I was gonna wait,but..." Lisa F sure knows her stuff! thanks!

I dyed my hair blonde again- or tried to- allI accomplished wash making it a duller grey dirty red.  So I did what any lazy person would do- I went and bought bright red dye and redyed it red.  It looks fabulous now! Like traffic stopping fabulous red!

The zentangle looks really intricate, but it's working with patterns in small parts,so it is relaxing and easy to do.  Mom, the lady who I made this for doesn't use a computer, that's why I put hers up there-she will never see it :)  I really think that everyone of you should try one zentangle- just one- to see how relaxing and easy it really is.  I have a linkto both the zentangle site and zentangle patterns in my sidebar->

I stillhave that darn cold.  It turned into a sinus infection and now has migrated down to a cough.  2weeksnow. I am tired of it.

15 days til I see my mommy :) yay!

TTYL!K