Gripes- major ones

Last night I had some crappy dreams.  In one, I had a baby whose diapers kept ripping, and I found out someone was cutting the sides so they would rip.  I, and the people who were with me, needed to go somewhere 11 hours away, and somehow they all took off without me, and with my phone.  I was stuck trying to drive a very heavy and too tall motorcycle without money or a phone for 11 hours! I couldn't figure out how to shift and I fell.
Crappy dreams usually mean something is going on in my life that I am upset about but can't deal with.  I know what I am upset about.  My kids are moving 3 states away with their dad.  You've never heard me talk crap about their dad.  Today I just might.

Last month he called me to tell me he missed me.  This didn't surprise me because we have maintained a decent friendship after the divorce.  Then he told me that he still wanted to grow old with me.  How sweeet, right? This was heartbreaking to me.  I left for a reason and I really don't think I could go back.  I do miss family- especially with my kids.  I miss my own home.  I miss being a wife and full time mom.  But that's not enough for me to go running back to him.  I told him that.  I told him that I was sorry, I don't want to hurt him again, and his flirting really makes my heart ache.  He told me he was just flirting, it was a joke, and he and the kids would not want me to live under their roof again.  Ouch!  Here I was worrying about his feelings.

Who is gonna worry about mine?

Did he worry about my feelings when my car broke down on the freeway and I had my 2 year old daughter with me?  We had been working at cleaning a house and we looked cruddy and practically homeless.  I called him, I was ten miles away from home, and the car wasn't going anywhere.  He had no car- but he had a phone and people he knew with cars- could he help me?  No, he couldn't.  He had to go get our son from school.  I'd find a way home.  I took a ride from a stranger.  he had a carseat and cracker crumbs all over his car.  He seemed safe.  I made it home safely- without the ex's help.

Did he worry about my feelings when he was angry and upset at the world?  Did he stifle his thoughts because he knew they were untrue?  How many times did I hear how I was nothing because I was just an at home mom?  I made no money so I was worthless?  How many times was I taken for granted? 

And now- The kids needed to be checked out of school.  School says only the parent that checked them in can check them out.  He needs to fly in early from where he is living to check the kids out.  I only get one day a week with my kids, and they are leaving.  I get to rush through dinner so he won't be mad that he has to wait for them at the airport a couple of minutes.  Plus, the kids think he has full custody of them.  I have nothing.

For the record, I must go look at the divorce papers- I recall 50/50 custody with the kids deciding to live with dad - he had the house, the toys, I had a boyfriend and was the fault of the break-up.

The major gripe?  He posts on facebook: I have to go pick up the kids who I have custody of... What the heck?  Why do you need to point that out?  trying to impress someone?  trying to look like the good parent or cool dad?  Trying to hurt me.again? 

Then he gripes they weren't on time to pick him up at the airport.  He knew they were with me.  He knew this is the last time I get to see them until most likely summer.  Deal with it, jerk.

When do I get treated like a human?  when do I get a pat on the back for being there every moment and taking care of all their needs until I left?  I was an at home mom for 11 years.  I was sole feeder, diaper changer, booboo kisser.  I was the even temper, rule setter, fun mommy.  I was a good wife.  Running errands, cooking dinner, cleaning house, making a house a home.  Ex even admitted (he was probably drunk) that he didn't realize how much I did. 

And yet- he is still making me out to be the bad guy.  I started dating quickly after the divorce- Boyfriend is a friend I knew from high school and someone I went out with for drinks.  Ex assumes I cheated and left for Boyfriend.  Lets play devils advocate- OK?  What if I did?  Was the marriage whole and good if I looked elsewhere?  Many can tell you I didn't leave for boyfriend- I was out the door already.

So, I am the bad guy.  I have no redeeming values, and my kids have major issues with me.  Ex says he doesn't bad-mouth me in front of the kids, be he also doesn't root for me, does he?  he doesn't point out to the kids what I put into the family and how I was taken for granted.  He doesn't remember his negative points and tears he put into the marriage.  He is happy to think it is all my fault.

I was almost Ok with that- I think my kids will come around as the grow older.  We were going out and getting along.  They were seeing that their dad is demanding and impatient.  But now ex isn't just thinking.  Ex is voicing.  Ex is taking my kids three states away where I will have little affect on them and he will burrow into their brains.

I worry.

*for the record- my kids do not read this blog unless I bring it up for them and ask them to read it.  Right now, they are packing a van to move and are not on facebook or the internet.  I am am 99% certain that they will not read this, so I am not badmouthing their dad to them.  I wouldn't do that.  I don't want them to think negatively about their dad because of me.  Even as kids, if they griped about him, I tried to tell them his side.  If later, they decide they don't like some of his traits- that's their decision.  But I don't want my opinion swaying theirs.

New year

I hate making resolutions- they sound so resolute.  They make me feel like I have to pick something bad about myself and then focus solely on fixing it.  I like what Dark Mother Goddess did....She picked a word for the year.  So, I've been tossing a few words around in my head.
Positivity- I could be more positive and optimistic.  I've already been working on it.  I'm trying not to dwell on things, I fixate and depress myself.  But, if I focus on positivity for the year, I'm afraid I'll remind myself to look at every situation with rose colored glasses- and there are times I need to be more realistic.
Health- that sounds good- because I could focus on health of mind and body.  I could use a little more exercise (ankle willing).  I could integrate positive thought. 
Growth- in all things.  I love learning new stuff.  According to Erickson, I'm pretty much stuck somewhere around stage 6.  I could use a little growth.  But not in the abdominal area :)
or Moderation- I get fixated, I go on tangents, I focus on one tiny thing that is bothering me.  I need to moderate my food, drink, and thoughts- to become more healthy, more sane.  I need to moderate what I take in, what I listen to, whose issues I absorb.  (I wish I could stop absorbing everyone else's stress- I think I might need to magically do some protection- and I never considered that before).

I should pick a word, for my mantra- but my mind isn't ready for that right now.  Dark Mother's word is flourish- she's good.

also That Witch it True is having a great challenge for a month of positive thought and body image.

What'd you do for your new year's resolutions?

A hint of things to come..........

I'm going to start by digressing- I know, weird way to start, but I feel it is necessary.  My mom married that guy up there.  Then she had my brother and I.  When I was about 3, that guy and my mom divorced.  My relationship with his has been spotty.  I rarely saw him as a child (due to conditions or choice, I do not know).  I visited him at about ten yrs of age and ended up living with him.  We sailed from New york to Florida.  I remember my main caretaker being his psycho girlfriend, though, not him.  It might have been difficult for him to deal with an almost teenager girl, he might have tried, I don't remember.  My adult years have seen him sporadically.  He stopped by for a few hours when my son was about 6 months old. He sent money when my other son died.  He sent a present a few winters ago.
What leaves a negative feeling in my bones is how he communicates.  He is not a happy man.  He feels he has been wronged.  I'm a listening ear.  But- he bad mouthed my mom to me! My mom- the woman who never said a negative thing about him- the woman I respect and revere.  He said mean things about her.  Mean things, that even if they were true, would not matter to me.  When he sent the gift a few winters ago, my kids sent him a thank you note- they did not refer to him as grandpa, they do not know him as grandpa- and he was mad.  BUT, if you ask him what their names or birthdays are, he couldn't tell you without looking it up.  He even asked why he sent me money on my son's death day- he was looking through his check register and couldn't remember what that money was for.  
Anyway, this post is not a "feel sorry for me- he's done me wrong" post.  because he hasn't.  Even though we don't have a relationship now, he picked the best mother for me that anyone could have.  He taught me about sailing.  He introduced to me to things I would never have known about.  He could be a really cool man to know- if he just didn't say mean things about my mom- if he just didn't expect too much out of a relationship just because he helped conceive me.
So, The reason I am blabbing all this- is because when I speak of him, I don't know what to call him.  Dad doesn't fit.  Sperm donor is unnecessarily cruel.  I'll call him my birth father.  Since this digression is sooo long.  I think I'll finish this post tomorrow.  I had something else to say but I wrote forever on this subject!

Weekly update

It looks like unless I get more hours in the day, I'm gonna be doing a weekly update instead of a daily blog.  I started this blog when I was at home with a broken leg.  I have been lucky enough to be working every day almost- now- and when I am home, I'm making Christmas. 

For instance, when I did have a half day, I helped boyfriend finish the lights on the outside of the house and I put up this : my yule tree.  Oh tananbaum, oh tananbuam, how lovely are your branches~

Isn't it pretty?  I thought I was going to have to go buy more lights so I left it alone one night- and the next night I found 8 strings of lights in the ornament box- I really didn't see them in there before- I think the julenissan brought them.

Speaking of lights- the boys in this house fix everything! the 1.50$ light string doesn't work?  check the fuses- did you know lights have fuses?  I sure didn't.  If the fuses are new, check every light on the string.  look for a broken wire.  Even if the wire is cut, the boys fix it!  I tried to throw a string of lights away- dad fished it out of the trash and electrical taped it back together.
My first thought was "what the heck?"  it's a buck fifty per string- no large amount of money.  I think some things are meant to be thrown away-
My second thought was "wow- ok- they don't spend money frivolously, that's good, and not throwing it away is better for the environment"
but I finalized my thoughts with "I'm not putting any taped together lights on an extremely combustable tree".

Other than that, my red hair is holding, I've been getting spam (I'm closing comments after three days to see if that helps), and I'm zentangling my little heart out!

Off to read your blogs!