My limit- and some TMI

I've been sick this weekend- with an inner ear infection- the world is spinning and I might fall off.  Apparently, these things happen about 2 weeks after you get a cold- and I was blessed enough to be given a cold from an annoying hacking woman on the plane behind me as I flew to my mom's.
But as I lay in bed, I realized I felt like crap for other reasons.  I hit my weight limit.  I am not longer OK where I am.  I've decided I need to take it off. 
I've been trying something this year- I've been trying not to diet- I have been watching my weight most of my life.  Dieting and gaining every 6 months to a year or so.  I have a fairly decent taste in foods- I like veggies and salads and low fat stuff, but I'm not always the chef, am I?  I've been trying to accept my weight and who I am- and really like myself for both, without a thought to changing myself.  I've been trying to be happy just being.  And it's worked OK- I don't mind looking in the mirror, I don't pick on my parts anymore- and the curves are nice.  But...
I stepped on the scale this morning- and I did a quick BMI check- if I gain any more weight I'd be in the obese section, not just overweight. In the last two years, I've gained 30 pounds!  That's bad.  It can't help my hurt ankle, sore body, or energy level either.  It might be why I am feeling yucky, am getting sick, and am exhausted.  And (here's the TMI- I've had my period twice in the last 28 days- on the 24th of december and then the 10th of January- now it's lasted over a week).   Weight might affect my immune system, hormones, and attitude.  
So, portion control and I do not really get along.  My dear friend Tricia and I were discussing that today- we both are members of the clean plate club, especially if the plate is full of deliciousness, and even if the plate refills itself.  Phentermine (the speed and non-heart killing part of phen-fen) and I kinda got along.  I zipped through three months on it and lost 90 pounds.  Problem is that I lost weight so fast I then got gallstones and needed my gallbladder out (no gall bladder=issues with fat=weight gain).  I've tried phen again and it made me feel woofy- my mom knows what I mean (woofy- a little off, lightheaded, weird). I've already tried to switch us to lower fat meat and have added veggies to my meals.  I made french dips the other day and when I cooled the broth, the meat yielded a very tiny bit of fat (less than a tsp) and I threw it out.  I make lunch at about a cup of leftovers and add a cup of veggies to the top. 
and I've gotta stop having beer at night.  One maybe, or one glass of wine- but one usually leads to three.
Tomorrow I am gonna try slimfast.  Just to get me started.  Shrink my stomach so I can eat less.  And I am walking to the store to buy the crap.  After that, I'll just have to rethink my meals and suck, because I can't live on shakes forever.
By summer, I should feel a bit younger- which is good because I'll be working with a dozen hyper kids for two weeks and I wanna play with them!

I guess now that I have written it, I have to stick to it!

New year

I hate making resolutions- they sound so resolute.  They make me feel like I have to pick something bad about myself and then focus solely on fixing it.  I like what Dark Mother Goddess did....She picked a word for the year.  So, I've been tossing a few words around in my head.
Positivity- I could be more positive and optimistic.  I've already been working on it.  I'm trying not to dwell on things, I fixate and depress myself.  But, if I focus on positivity for the year, I'm afraid I'll remind myself to look at every situation with rose colored glasses- and there are times I need to be more realistic.
Health- that sounds good- because I could focus on health of mind and body.  I could use a little more exercise (ankle willing).  I could integrate positive thought. 
Growth- in all things.  I love learning new stuff.  According to Erickson, I'm pretty much stuck somewhere around stage 6.  I could use a little growth.  But not in the abdominal area :)
or Moderation- I get fixated, I go on tangents, I focus on one tiny thing that is bothering me.  I need to moderate my food, drink, and thoughts- to become more healthy, more sane.  I need to moderate what I take in, what I listen to, whose issues I absorb.  (I wish I could stop absorbing everyone else's stress- I think I might need to magically do some protection- and I never considered that before).

I should pick a word, for my mantra- but my mind isn't ready for that right now.  Dark Mother's word is flourish- she's good.

also That Witch it True is having a great challenge for a month of positive thought and body image.

What'd you do for your new year's resolutions?

Sex and intimacy

yes.  I'm grown up so I can talk about sex without giggling.  though I do still giggle when they say duty on tv because it sounds like doody.

Did you know that  a study was once done on babies in an orphanage?  These babies were fed and diapered but not snuggled and loved.  They couldn't thrive and some died.  Snuggling and loving is very important to the human soul.  Touch is very important.

I think it is also important in relationships.  A male friend the other night was slightly inebriated and started crying to me about his wife.  They have been married over 8 years (I am guessing because their special needs kid is about that age) and she won't give him physical affection any more.  He is honestly thinking about cheating.  I gave him the same old line about her being tired and is he doing anything for her needs, and he assures me that he is, but she is still cold and frigid to him.

I had another friend who complained that her husband wasn't interested any longer.  She wondered if it was because she has recently put on a few pounds (on her, it goes straight to the boobs too!).

I've been through dry times in relationships.  The 17 year marriage went through a period of them.  I understand that they might be natural (dry times)- but I contend that they are damaging to the spouse and to the relationship.

Sex is linked to intimacy.  I know both can stand alone- but I am refering to the intimacy that is created through sex.  The closeness, the touch, the sharing, the trusting, the concentration on the spouse and only the spouse (everything else in the world forgotten for just a few moments).  That is needed.  This intimacy might be created other ways- but I usually find when the sex is gone, the spouse can't or won't concentrate solely on his/her partner- the touches are gone, the kisses, the everything that makes a marriage more than platonic.

I also understand that some relationships do fine without sex.  Awesome.  I might even get to that point at some time, but right now I am nearing forty and my sex drive is right up there.  I don't do the f-word, I don't pick up strangers, and I prefer my drive to be aimed at a meaningful connection in a relationship.  I also want to say that those relationships that do fine without sex usually have both spouses at that point.  My friends would not agree that no sex is good for their relationships.

I feel bad for both of them- just as I feel like crap when I am not getting loving.  I gasped when my girlfriend asked about her weight- making love should not have anything to do with that!  The spouse you married is going to look a hella different in 20 years, so don't expect a perfect body to last forever.  Wrinkles, sagging, scars, and maybe even injuries may occur to the partner.  You should still want to physically connect with him or her.  If not, something needs to be looked at.

If one partner is begging for sex and the other is denying it, something needs to be looked at as well!  This is a huge rejection.  It is painful and hard to understand.  My friend, the male, looks like a viking and was reduced to blubbering tears.  I've cried myself to sleep over this as well.  The denial goes beyond the rejection- it could also be a powerplay, a way to get back at the spouse, a selfish issue, a withdrawal from the relationship, intimacy issues, etc.

I didn't know exactly what to tell either friend- except hang in there, it might change. That's what I bitterly tell myself through my dry periods.  I wouldn't judge the male friend for cheating- I hope he doesn't, cheating isn't the best way to fix the issue.  I just hope the spouses see what the withdrawal of intimacy is doing to their other halves.  I just hope my friends can continue to thrive without touch.  Until things change- I have plenty of hugs for them (not as good- but OK for life support measures)

Correct teacher attire

Someone I know on facebook keeps posting about how her children's teacher are dressed inappropriately.  Then her friends post about how horrible teachers dress and how they should wear dressier clothes.  I suggested they wear scrubs as that would fit the job more and the parents might be happy with a uniform, however that was struck down with rudeness and anger and chiding.  One of the comments that keeps getting made is that the students have to stick to a uniform code and the teachers should have the same code.  I was going to rebutt this on her post, however one of the parents just keeps saying "you knew what you signed up for when you signed up for the job"- um, no- I didn't know I signed up to deal with bitchy judgmental parents who care more about my fashion sense than my hard work and creativity.

The children are required as a uniform to wear sleeved shirts, longer shorts or skirts, and closed shoes.  This is for their safety. If they are running around or playing PE, all three of these things keep them covered and safe.  Bending over for PE in short shorts and spaghetti strapped shirts are a bad choice.  Running in sandals is just asking for a stubbed toe.  The teacher's uniform is less settled.  I don't think they have set rules because they are grown ups and hopefully can appropriate attire.  Some days work is dirty and laborous and appropriate attire might be sweats or jeans.  Some days cooking or painting might be involved and those clothes can get stained.  Some days the classroom is boiling and the teacher is standing all day (I rarely sit down, even at lunch) and sandals are the best choice.  It is rare in the lower grades that a teacher should wear a pencil skirted suit and heels.  These clothes, though shown in old Doris Day movies, are harder to be a diligent and communicative teacher in.  I kneel, squat, and sit crisscross applesauce in all the grades.

I suggested scrubs to shut the bitchy woman up.  Even scrubs didn't make her happy.  Apparently looks are more important to her than an involved teacher.  She just kept saying her stupid "You knew what you signed up for" quote- what the eff? Yes, I so want to cuss about that idiotic comment.  I am so glad she is a friend of someone I know- not my friend.  I am so glad I do not have to deal with her as a parent of one of my kids.  The parents I come into contact with are also very involved and will get messy with the kids.  They understand that my jeans, sweater, and ballet flats are very appropriate.  They understand if I have a big stain on my shirt it is because I was involved with a lesson and was actually working.  They see my dirty kness and know I knelt down to talk to a child who needed to see me at eye level.

I'll make one more comment to bitchy mom on facebook.  Then I'll shut up.  No matter what i say she is never going to see it from any point of view of her own.  I conceded to some of her comments ( i think flipflops and spaghetti strapped shirts should not be worn by a teacher- nor tube tops, short skirts, or very tall heels- but I don't judge those teachers, they could be awesome)~ but I know that shallow people can never concede to a messy sloopy fashionless teacher like me.